You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
