I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
