i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
