Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
