just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
