I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize