he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
