Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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