Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
