I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
