every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
