i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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