my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
you had me at cake vodka
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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