Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
