There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
