Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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