On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
