garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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