but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
