When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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