3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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