a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
