We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
