i need an iv and a liver transplant
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
