pedialite and red bull = repair kit
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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