Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize