I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
