I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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