I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
