i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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