Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
