she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
