So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
