i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
