After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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