I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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