i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize