apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize