If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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