I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
