So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You are a genius and a whore.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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