I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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