just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Randomize
