you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
