I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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