i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
