her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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