if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
This is classic penis vs brain.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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