He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize