so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
