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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
