i already hear my dad disowning me
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
