Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
