I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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