I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Randomize
