i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
