You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize