I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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