Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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