And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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