Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
