Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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