I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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