Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
