If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
