I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
