dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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