i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
