i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
