Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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