My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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