Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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