I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize